By the Kajman ©2019 (“Konverzace v anglickém jazyce, man!“)
This week I was startled to hear one of my students inform me that he and his family had dined on a Christmas feast of potato salad and frightened carp. After I realized what he had meant to say, and that I wasn’t just suffering from a fried circuit in my brain, I pondered the menace of frightening carp and felt compelled to offer the following advice.
The majority of us who relished succulent albeit boney servings of fried carp probably give little thought to the social networks left behind by our fishy friends. Yes, it’s true: carps have friends and families, and enjoy active social lives, both in and out of schools. Think about it – how often do you see a solitary carp?
Now you may be saying to yourself, “what do I care about the bereavement of my edible neighbours? After all, didn’t Cobain sing that it’s okay to eat fish ‘cause they don’t have any feelings?” Consider this: next summer when you and your friends approach the water for a nice swim, this cool, refreshing water could very well harbour the angry acquaintances of your Christmas dinner who will look at you and think, “there’s that murderer!” And now you may complacently tell yourself, “no problem – I’m much bigger than a carp.” But twenty or thirty aquatic avengers? Don’t risk it.
Fear not, you favourers of fish forever, I’m not about to tell you to put aside your carnivorous ways; I’ll soon stop harping on carp. Instead, I offer you this fried…I mean, tried and true tip. Next summer when you approach the murky Moravian waters, perhaps in the aquatic zone between Polský Těšín and Český Těšín known as Fišý Těšín where lurk the fearsome fish, shout this line to your friends. “Hey! Remember that delicious Christmas dinner we had of… fried CHICKEN?” This will confuse the carp who will then doubt their own eyes, and will swim off looking for the real carp killer while you swim in safety.
What’s that you say? You doubt the veracity of my words? Believe me – all you have to do is try it. Next time you go swimming try the line about fried chicken and you will not be attacked by any carp – I guarantee it.